she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
