he told me I talked like a deaf person
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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