The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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