I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Will you blow on my dice?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
