just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
