The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
