i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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