umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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