she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
