just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
