Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
