My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
