Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
