(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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