i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
