god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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