Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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