woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
