It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
