I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
