So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
