she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
