whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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