So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
