my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My life is pants optional.
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