I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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