i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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