I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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