I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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