pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
