Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
