my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
