Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
