I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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