i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
