I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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