Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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