so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
