Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
