Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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