good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
