i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
