Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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