got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
