I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
