i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
