first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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