You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
