I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
