just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm passing your future prison.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
