The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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